


Go Nuts

by Tigerkid14



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, no squirrels were harmed in the making of this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 19:38:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12942264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tigerkid14/pseuds/Tigerkid14
Summary: There is a squirrel in the apartment. Shenanigans almost ensue.





	Go Nuts

**Author's Note:**

> This is not at all what I was asked for, but if anyone else can come up with a reason why a squirrel would be in their apartment, I invite you to write your own fic and link me. (Please?)
> 
> My sincerest apologies to Liho, who is a mighty hunter, and should have had a bigger part.

Maria closed her eyes and then opened them again. A squirrel. There was still definitely a squirrel sitting on the back of her couch. A live squirrel was in her living room. She was tempted to close her eyes again, but decided she needed to keep watching the squirrel. (She also briefly considered just backing out of the apartment and onto the elevator and pretending she hadn’t been here and letting Nat deal with it.)

She slowly put her bag down on the floor while she considered her options. She didn’t really have any means of securing a squirrel immediately at her disposal, but she figured she could come up with something. Maybe a cloth grocery bag, possibly she could throw a blanket over it and scoop it up like a carry sack.

Suddenly, the reality of the situation hit her and she stopped. She looked around for any danger and she backed up from the squirrel towards the elevator, on high alert, which is why she jumped several inches when the elevator doors slid open behind her and Natasha started to step out only to be pushed back into the elevator when Maria rushed at her and used the momentum to move them both.

Natasha made a slight ‘oof’ sound as the breath was pressed out of her when their joint momentum took them up against the elevator wall.

“Maria, what--?” She began, cutting off when Maria spun around and hit the button to close the elevator doors.

“There is a squirrel in our apartment.” Maria informed her briskly once the doors were shut, although since Maria hadn’t pressed a button for another floor, the elevator stayed on their level for the moment.

“And you decided the best way to deal with this was elevator sex?” Natasha raised an eyebrow, obviously not opposed to the idea.

“No, that is not what I—“ It was Maria’s turn to stop as her brain caught up with Natasha’s words and provided her with a mental image that was clearly distracting, before she shook her head to clear it and continued, glaring at Natasha’s grin. “No,” she began again, more firmly, “but as we live a great many floors up from the ground, too high for most squirrels, and more importantly as that is a Eurasian red squirrel in our apartment and not the American grey squirrel—“

“Now you’re biased against immigrants?” Natasha’s grin was a challenge now and Maria was starting to get the sense she was missing something.

“What do you know that I don’t?” She asked, stepping back as much as the space in the elevator would allow and crossing her arms as she leveled her best AD Hill look at her lover. Natasha’s eyebrow started to quirk up again and Maria amended, “about the squirrel situation, Natasha.”

Natasha gave a small shrug and a tilt to her head, admitting her intent to be mischievous and acknowledging that now was not precisely the time. At least, not until Maria was fully in the loop. “The squirrel in our apartment is not the agent known as Secret Squirrel.” She ignored Maria’s eye roll. “Tony received a shipment of squirrels this morning, some of them got loose, and using the building’s highly efficient but apparently not squirrel proof security system, we have tracked down and recovered most of them, except for this one, which has so far evaded two security teams, JARVIS, and the majority of the Avengers. Don’t worry, there is film of that.”

Suddenly Maria understood Natasha’s grin and she started to smile as well, before a thought struck her. “Wait, Tony received a shipment of squirrels?”

“A prank, we think, from an old friend or possibly rival of his. He wasn’t exactly coherent earlier; he went on some rant about promises to never bring up that incident again. I’m looking into it. We should have the full story by the end of the week at the latest.” Natasha’s grin now was her feral spy grin and Maria couldn’t help but shiver in arousal as an automatic response to seeing it. Natasha’s gaze focused on her, slightly predatory in its appraisal of her.

Maria was not going to be distracted from the main issue though, no matter how much Natasha was looking at her like she was a tasty treat. “Okay, so how do we catch the super squirrel that has evaded some of the most talented beings on the planet?”

The tiny little pout to Natasha’s lips was her ‘you’re no fun’ pout, as Maria well knew, but she was not letting this go. It was a squirrel for crying out loud. In their apartment. Where they lived. Who knew where the squirrel had been before it arrived here. For that matter, who knew where the squirrel had been once it got here, since it had been avoiding security all day.

Maria waited, arms still crossed. Natasha relented, a tad ungraciously. “I’ll go left, you go right. If we can keep it contained to the living room, I can get the throw net out of the hall closet and use that.”

Maria started to question the fact that they had a throw net in their hall closet and then thought better of it. One thing at a time, and they could circle back to that later. Instead, she nodded her assent to the plan and hit the button to open the elevator door again.

They both started to move forward then abruptly stopped, staring in disbelief.

There, in front of the elevator door, was Liho, sitting on the squirrel. The squirrel was obviously still alive, since it was squirming and trying to escape, but Liho was sitting on it, ignoring its attempts to get free, and washing her paws. She stopped long enough to look up at Maria and Natasha and make a small chirrup of greeting before resuming her ablutions.

Remarkably, the squirrel seemed unharmed, once they managed to convince Liho to give up her prize and had secured the squirrel in a filing box Maria had dumped all the files out of quickly while Natasha negotiated with the cat for treats more pleasing than squirmy squirrel.

Maria nearly lost her composure when the head of security took the box from them and asked how they had managed to catch it, but Natasha kept a straight face as she told him it was easy enough if you had ‘cat-like reflexes’ in a tone condescending enough that it flustered the man so much he didn’t pursue the topic further.

Maria started laughing as soon as they were in the elevator again, putting a hand on the wall to steady herself, so she was taken by surprise when Natasha entered her personal space and pinned her against the wall with a kiss.

Not a bad turn of events, all things considered. If she could think, there were at least a half dozen things she needed to do just in regards to dealing with the squirrel alone, most of them having to do with finding security videos to either watch or delete, or both, but one or two having to do with changing security protocols for their apartment at least. But for the moment, thinking was pretty far from her mind.

Ah well, squirrel, elevator sex, normal day in the life, she supposed. And at the very least, there were protocols for this, and she remembered to reach her hand over and hit a couple of buttons on the elevator panel while Natasha undid the buttons on her shirt to ensure that they wouldn’t be interrupted.

Except by her own intrusive thoughts, and she pushed Nat away as this one tumbled out of her mouth. “Wait, wait, wait, you watched Secret Squirrel?”

Nat quirked an eyebrow at her and said in a heavy Russian accent, “You prefer I watch Moose and Squirrel?” And that was how Natasha learned that while speaking Russian turned her partner on, speaking with a fake Russian accent was the vocal equivalent of a cold shower.

They returned to the apartment, sadly minus the elevator sex, and Natasha spent the rest of the evening muttering about “damned squirrels”. Liho was made much of for her “bravery and skill in assisting in the capture of the secret agent squirrel intruder” as Maria phrased it. And eventually Maria managed to catch her own secret agent in the bedroom, where no squirrels were mentioned or fake Russian accents intruded.

**Author's Note:**

> In case anyone isn't aware, the shows referenced are: "Secret Squirrel" and "Rocky and Bullwinkle".


End file.
